Reboot. Restart. Remember.

It’s been quite sometime since I’ve used this. Over the past couple years, I found no use for this, but now I have once again.

This is my rant space. This is where I can complain and cry without being seen by my friends or family. If they do see it, I’m sorry that I’m not openning up to you all instead.

Here goes nothing. I’m now a freshman in college, finishing my second semester. It’s not going as planned. I truly thought I was ready for college, but my grades say otherwise. I’m nearly failing Calculus, Japanese is murdering me, English is my only decent class, and Psychology is just a buffer. I don’t even know what I want for the future. I know I’m still starting and it doesn’t matter, but I don’t know if I’ll ever figure it out. Everything I do, I lose interst in. I love art, but the second I mess up on a piece, I think it’s not for me. I love acting and voice acting, but I don’t know if that is what I can do. I’m not science-oriented, I hate maths and social studies. I’m decent with computers, but I wouldn’t know because most computer majors require the hardest math classes. My parents keep telling me to do a major that’ll get me money, but I couldn’t care less about money! I just want to be happy for once! I get so mad when people tell me to go into art because I’m “good” at it. I’m absolutely SICK of people telling me that I’m good at something. Dad keeps saying I’m “good at math” and everyone tells me “You should pursue art. You’re good at it!” IF I WAS GOOD AT THESE THINGS, THEY WOULDN’T MAKE ME CRY EVERY TIME I MESSED UP! If I was good at math, I wouldn’t be failing. If I was good at art, I wouldn’t need to look up pose references or how-to-draw videos. If I was good at anything, I would be able to do it on my own! It’s not like I can expand my horizons and try new things. I can’t afford anything. I have no job, and yet, I’m helping my parents pay rent. I just want to be happy. I can’t even find happiness through people. Every time there’s a guy who tries to get close, I play. I’ll admit it. I’m a bitch, and I play with people’s emotions, and I feel nothing. I’m trying to find that one person who can stop this, but I haven’t felt real emotions towards someone for a very long time. I have trust issues, commitment issues, jealousy problems, and I’m truly just a mess. I haven’t found any way to stop myself from being this way. I’m a follower, and yet, I’ll revolt in a blink of an eye.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. All I know is that I’m empty inside, I’m pathetic. I want to drop out, but I don’t want to hurt myself. If I drop out, I’ll get beat. If I even say “I don’t like school”, they act as if I killed someone. I just want everything to end, but I can’t kill myself because I’ll be putting my burdens on my parents and brother. I’m trying to stay strong, I really am, but a lot of times, I can’t stop from thinking shitty thoughts about myself. I’ve tried drowning thoughts out with music, but it’s come to the point where music doesn’t help anymore. I can sing the lyrics of a song and cry because I hear my thoughts saying bad things.

I just want to be happy. Right now, nothing makes me happy except wasting my life away lying in bed watching anime. 

What is the answer to life?

It’s kinda hard to type this. Especially since I feel physically sick when thinking about it, but I’ll try my best.

Death.

The answer to the ultimate question of life is 42. Four in Japanese is “shi” (Sino-Japanese reading) and two is “ni”. Together they make “shini” the first part of the word “shinigami” which means death-god. The answer to life is death.

I feel like there’s a point in everyone’s life when they finally realize everything must come to an end. Those people who try so hard to make “immortality” pills are stuck in the fantasy that nothing ends. Everything has an end. Every life is a book, and all books have endings. Sadly, after two of my first guinea pigs passed away, I’ve gone into paranoia with my other three. I’m terrified. I dont want anyone to leave. I hate goodbyes. I know it’s screwed up to think that way, but when you realize that nothing can last forever, you start to think. Thinking becomes over thinking and then becomes paranoia. I don’t want to say goodbye. And I know I might seem like a bad person when I cry more over my pets than I do over people, but you have to know that people arent there for me like my pets are. To me they’re not pets, they’re companions. I can always count on them to make me smile or comfort me, where as people, People have hurt me more than animals have. People lie and pretend they care. People use you to get to others. Now I’m not saying that I dont like people. I have met the greatest people online, but a lot of them don’t know who I am. Not famous people, just people. Now there are some of those people who acknowledge me if I interact with them, but Im no more than a simple follower. Then I have my online friends, though they are few in numbers, I care about them. But like I said. Things come to an end, whether, you get in fights, lose connections, drift apart. There are few that manage to stay forever, and I mean “till death do us part” forever.

I don’t really know where Im going with this honestly, but I’m just saying that I’m scared. I’m scared of the future. As one of those kids who was forced to give up being a child, I have no fears- except the future.

I Promise I’ll Try to Keep Trying

I have no one in my life that I can talk to about this, so I rely on you, the reader, to be my friend in this situation. Now it’s kinda hard to type what I really want to say without hitting the delete key and erasing every word, so this may or may not go up. If you are reading this then well at least one person had to have read this. So here goes nothing:

I just want one day, one simple day with no yelling, no crying, and no want to kill myself. That day hasn’t returned in over a year. Sucks not being able to talk to people. I’d either get made fun of or push aside. I dont want to do anything anymore. I fall asleep crying, I wake up with my first thought being “Why cant I be dead?” And honestly I have no idea how Im surviving. Well I have a hint, you see, I’ve made so many great friends online, but I do need some friends who are right next to be that will always be here. Sadly, Im no good with friends. I tend to push them away. Everyone close to me, I pushed away. MY best friend of eleven years, now ignores me. The one guy that like me for who I really was, now hates my guts probably. My two closest friends I’ve had at my old school don’t remember my existence. My family hates me. MY family makes fun of me, judges me. They wonder why Im so caught up in video games, esports, music, movies. I’m so addicted to these things because they’re my escape from all the pain. I could so easily be addicted to other things, but no, my mind is set on fandoms, gaming, and writing. I hate my life. I hate the school I go to. I hate every single aspect of myself, but gaming? I’d sell my soul to pursue gaming. Making them, voicing in them, and just playing them. It’s what I love doing, but everyone in my life seems to disagree with what I want to do. Even though it’s my choice, I don’t get to choose.
Really choices don’t exist. I don’t choose to have panic attacks everyday, I don’t choose to hear voices telling me Im stupid or should die, I don’t choose to cry at random times, and I don’t choose to live, no I promised to live. I promised everyone that I’ll live. And it’s really hard to keep going when everyone is telling you “you’re worthless, you need to stop doing this and that, you’re ugly, you’re stupid’ you’re not special, you should just die.” Well you know what? Has it every occurred to those people who told me this, or to anyone who has told someone else these things that maybe we know this. That these thoughts echo in our minds daily, 24/7, and to some people the only way to stop the thoughts, is to cover it up with their screaming and crying. Have I cut myself? No, but have I thought about it or wanted to? Yes, but not for attention. I wanted to because I wanted to see if I was awake. I prayed that it was all just a dream, but it wouldn’t be. And hell, I’ve even thought about hanging myself. I was twelve when it all started. And that is really fucked up. A twelve year old looking up on how to tie a noose. I promised so many people that I would stay living, but it’s hard when everyone in your life pushes you off the edge.

I’m trying so hard, and I promise that I’ll keep trying, but I don’t know how much longer I can until I fall off the edge.

The two songs that I’ve been listening to that have helped me stay strong are by Emma Blackery: “The Promise” and “Perfect”.

Now I’m gonna go before I cry harder.

I Miss You?

Here I am, one more time, just to say you’re always on my mind…

It’s been a year. Well more or less. You probably have moved on. And you’ll most likely never see this, but I hope you’re doing well. And i miss you? Sure, I miss you. You made me feel special, you helped me, saved me, drowned out the voices. Saying good morning, good night, saying that you want me by your side. Where did all that go? I was stupid. I don’t know what you did. I cant really say what you thought, but I can say what you said the last day we spoke. We talked, well argued. I closed Skype, but you messaged me saying “I know you’re online, I can see you in the stream chat.” Why were you looking at the stream chat? Just to yell at me more? Wait, stop. Im not here to argue again. I’m here to say I’m sorry again. And if I had the courage to, I’d send you this, but here I am typing this so everyone can see. I’m not a bitch, I don’t post names, Your identity is secret. Only some people would know… Only the ones that are close to be or that I talk to. My friends say all relationships have their ups and downs… What made you think I was a, and I quote, “creep”. I didn’t stalk you. I didn’t constantly message you. I’m not saying you did that because you didn’t. It’s just that… I really liked you, and I mean a lot. Ask any of my friends, they knew. Even a month or so after our “break up” I still mentioned you. They asked me “why do you care about him still?” and honestly the way they said it made me almost think that they sabotaged it and told you lies to make me stop talking about you… I’m sorry. Everyone that I burdened with these feelings, I’m so sorry. But now… I’m alone, wanting another friendship like that, and maybe even a relationship. Anyways, I wish you’d understand. I wish you’d be there again, or at least we can start over… Please… I mean I’ve tried to move on, but every guy I had some little interest in has a girlfriend and we don’t really talk much. I may really be, and I hate to say this, but I really think that I’ll be alone for along time. No one has ever been able to make the voices stop, make my anxiety fade, but now that you’re gone… It’s all going down, fast.

I’ll Try To Not Stop Breathing

She’s done… I’m done.

I was just sitting doing my homework when my dad sits on the couch and watches a video with super loud volume. It bothered me yes, but I did NOT say anything! All I did was turn my paper and he just yells at me and tells me to shut up even though I didnt say anything. What the heck seriously?! He just kept yelling at me and then I said calmly “I didnt say anything.” and then he yelled even more saying don’t talk back. And I didnt say anything all I did was get up and he yelled even more. What am I supposed to do stop breathing. Maybe I will! Who cares anymore? My dad yells at me for no reason, and my mom barely talks to me because shes always at work, and my brother is never home. Im all alone now. I have no one to talk to. Now Im just locked in my room crying and typing this. What’s the point anymore. No one cares anymore. And Im sick of people acting like they care because they feel bad and pity me. All I have is this blog and the thousands of notebooks I have and songs I listen to. Talking to the pages. 

I just need someone to talk to. Someone who I can be myself with. Someone I can talk to after school. Someone that when Im in school I cant wait to talk to. Someone or something like I had before. Just for that to be a longer friendship. And I wont screw it up again if I ever have something like that before.

~Thanks for reading. Peace and Love, Until next time.

I literally have this song on repeat to comfort me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fn4gXdCIPRY&list=RDN9Y_QW0OaPE

Depression in My Life

Depression as always been in my life. In my family, I would usually be the one who is in that state, but just recently I found out that my brother is cutting himself. He says he’s depressed, but I don’t understand, I’ve been in more states of depression than him. He has friends that he hangs out with, he’s talented with the guitar, he hardly needs to do anything around the house, and I guess the only thing that can make him depressed is a break up, which I find stupid. A relationship should not drive you to the point of near suicide. And guess what, my Mother found out that he is cutting himself. I figured it out before she told me when in 95F weather he wore long sleeved shirts. That is one reason how people at my old school thought I cut myself, I wore jackets all day everyday. I was in a very bad state of depression before; caused by when I lost almost all of my friends, behind my back I was told that I was ugly or fat. I’ve stopped eating for days, I cried about losing my friends, my parents never knew… Everyone thought I was always happy with my life. I told my teacher, who was probably the greatest friend to me, that when I cried I would have a knife in my hand and wait, I was so afraid of pain and sadness I thought it would be the answer, but then I asked myself, “How can pain get rid of pain?” It doesn’t, the pain and sadness will just pile up onto each other and weigh you down, pain won’t solve pain it’ll only make it worse. Why add fuel when the house is burning down. I never had the knife pierce my skin, I may not have physical scars, but I have emotional ones, but the “knife” that did pierce my skin was MUSIC. Two roads: Knife of Pain, and Knife of Music. I took music as my comfort, and blasted those rock songs in my headphones. I don’t leave my house without my Music. No blade and no pain. Only Music. Music is how I express myself.

Now I’m not saying that it works with everyone and you have to put down the blade, but please think about this: What’s the point of creating more pain to cover pain and why should you(the person reading this) be in more pain than you already were in.

Just remember that there is someone out there who is worried about you. Also I have asked myself, “It’ll be better if I’m gone. No one will miss me!” but then the question, “Won’t it?” followed. So please put the knife down and and breathe, I know it’s not easy, but it’s not impossible.

YOU ARE LOVED BY MANY AND YOU ARE IN THE HEARTS OF MANY. ~I am one of the many.~

WE ARE ALL HUMAN.

With love,

Tiffany.