Reboot. Restart. Remember.

It’s been quite sometime since I’ve used this. Over the past couple years, I found no use for this, but now I have once again.

This is my rant space. This is where I can complain and cry without being seen by my friends or family. If they do see it, I’m sorry that I’m not openning up to you all instead.

Here goes nothing. I’m now a freshman in college, finishing my second semester. It’s not going as planned. I truly thought I was ready for college, but my grades say otherwise. I’m nearly failing Calculus, Japanese is murdering me, English is my only decent class, and Psychology is just a buffer. I don’t even know what I want for the future. I know I’m still starting and it doesn’t matter, but I don’t know if I’ll ever figure it out. Everything I do, I lose interst in. I love art, but the second I mess up on a piece, I think it’s not for me. I love acting and voice acting, but I don’t know if that is what I can do. I’m not science-oriented, I hate maths and social studies. I’m decent with computers, but I wouldn’t know because most computer majors require the hardest math classes. My parents keep telling me to do a major that’ll get me money, but I couldn’t care less about money! I just want to be happy for once! I get so mad when people tell me to go into art because I’m “good” at it. I’m absolutely SICK of people telling me that I’m good at something. Dad keeps saying I’m “good at math” and everyone tells me “You should pursue art. You’re good at it!” IF I WAS GOOD AT THESE THINGS, THEY WOULDN’T MAKE ME CRY EVERY TIME I MESSED UP! If I was good at math, I wouldn’t be failing. If I was good at art, I wouldn’t need to look up pose references or how-to-draw videos. If I was good at anything, I would be able to do it on my own! It’s not like I can expand my horizons and try new things. I can’t afford anything. I have no job, and yet, I’m helping my parents pay rent. I just want to be happy. I can’t even find happiness through people. Every time there’s a guy who tries to get close, I play. I’ll admit it. I’m a bitch, and I play with people’s emotions, and I feel nothing. I’m trying to find that one person who can stop this, but I haven’t felt real emotions towards someone for a very long time. I have trust issues, commitment issues, jealousy problems, and I’m truly just a mess. I haven’t found any way to stop myself from being this way. I’m a follower, and yet, I’ll revolt in a blink of an eye.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. All I know is that I’m empty inside, I’m pathetic. I want to drop out, but I don’t want to hurt myself. If I drop out, I’ll get beat. If I even say “I don’t like school”, they act as if I killed someone. I just want everything to end, but I can’t kill myself because I’ll be putting my burdens on my parents and brother. I’m trying to stay strong, I really am, but a lot of times, I can’t stop from thinking shitty thoughts about myself. I’ve tried drowning thoughts out with music, but it’s come to the point where music doesn’t help anymore. I can sing the lyrics of a song and cry because I hear my thoughts saying bad things.

I just want to be happy. Right now, nothing makes me happy except wasting my life away lying in bed watching anime. 

What is the answer to life?

It’s kinda hard to type this. Especially since I feel physically sick when thinking about it, but I’ll try my best.

Death.

The answer to the ultimate question of life is 42. Four in Japanese is “shi” (Sino-Japanese reading) and two is “ni”. Together they make “shini” the first part of the word “shinigami” which means death-god. The answer to life is death.

I feel like there’s a point in everyone’s life when they finally realize everything must come to an end. Those people who try so hard to make “immortality” pills are stuck in the fantasy that nothing ends. Everything has an end. Every life is a book, and all books have endings. Sadly, after two of my first guinea pigs passed away, I’ve gone into paranoia with my other three. I’m terrified. I dont want anyone to leave. I hate goodbyes. I know it’s screwed up to think that way, but when you realize that nothing can last forever, you start to think. Thinking becomes over thinking and then becomes paranoia. I don’t want to say goodbye. And I know I might seem like a bad person when I cry more over my pets than I do over people, but you have to know that people arent there for me like my pets are. To me they’re not pets, they’re companions. I can always count on them to make me smile or comfort me, where as people, People have hurt me more than animals have. People lie and pretend they care. People use you to get to others. Now I’m not saying that I dont like people. I have met the greatest people online, but a lot of them don’t know who I am. Not famous people, just people. Now there are some of those people who acknowledge me if I interact with them, but Im no more than a simple follower. Then I have my online friends, though they are few in numbers, I care about them. But like I said. Things come to an end, whether, you get in fights, lose connections, drift apart. There are few that manage to stay forever, and I mean “till death do us part” forever.

I don’t really know where Im going with this honestly, but I’m just saying that I’m scared. I’m scared of the future. As one of those kids who was forced to give up being a child, I have no fears- except the future.

Not This Again

*Mild Language may Appear*

No… no no no no no! For heavens sakes no! I cannot be feeling this. Ive been done. We’ve been done now for quite a while. Just get out of my head. Why are these feelings here. He obviously has feelings for another girl, and he obviously doesnt give a shit anymore. So why do I worry. Listen I can forgive. I can say sorry. I even beg for mercy at times. But to forget someone when they stopped my sadness. Its impossible. There is a million to one chance that he’ll ever read this. But I just need to vent. If he told me what I did. If he told me what went wrong. If he wouldve just forgiven me. I wouldnt be doing this. Jealousy is a new emotion to me. Envy is a deadly “curse” that is now upon me. Yeah, I do envy her. She can physically be with him. I was only data behind a computer screen. An ocean apart. I know I shouldve have poured my feelings into that one friemdship. I got caught up. Just please someone stop this. I dont know if I’ll be able to feel the way I did again. I used up all of it. Its been a year. And I shouldve given up by now. And I thought I did. But I didnt. I need to talk to him. I need to restart this. I just cant. Why am I feeling this way especially towards someone who said “I dont care if you kill yourself”. I wont say a name. But if I did it wouldnt matter, but I still respect him. And I dont know why.

Not a Crush

I know… Well I think I know what having a crush feels like, but this is TOTALLY not one. Just a strong friendship. I’m glad its not a crush. I cant put up with another one… Oh gosh… I actually dont know if its a crush. Ugh!! It’s not like the way I felt for… Lets call him Seth just to use his first initial… Because I saw his face everywhere. But this guy, its like my mind wants to see him and feel the same way that I felt for Seth. I just have no clue anymore.
This blog, I use it as my safe haven. Everthing I write here shall not be spoken to me outside of the internet. And no real names are used in posts. I do this to protect their privacy. Because I couldnt care less about my own on here. You want to use my blog against me? Go ahead. I wont try to stop you. This is my safe haven, my stone tablet, my story.
Anyways… Got carried away sorry… Back to the post: I just dont want this to backfire like the past ten times. I just dont want to get hurt again like before. Everyday I feel like I’ll fall to my knees crying just because I argue with myself everyday. I just cant take this anymore! Hiding these secrets.
The things that torture me every night. I… Its too hard to keep these secrets..
Thats all. Thanks for reading. Peace and Love.

Love and Life

I’ve thought about it constantly. The phrase “Love Life” just makes me feel all nervous. It’s more like Love and Life, personally that’s what I think. I mean like Teenagers “falling in love” with the one they think is perfect for them and then they get heartbroken because they thought that their love would last forever. I have never “fallen in love” truly. I mean yes I have had “crushes” on some guys, but I’ve never been in a relationship before. Ever. I turn 15 on Tuesday, 27 of August and for all these years have never dated. Before I was the girl who sat with the guys and chilled with them, until girls found out about Victoria Secret and guys found out that the girls shop there. So all of my guy friends started to date the girls they once called lame.

Basically what I’m trying to say is that I’m “giving up” on love until I finally meet that special someone. Whether it be in person or even if it has to turn into an episode of CatFish. Like a princess waiting for her “Prince Charming” except the princess/prince part and the beauty part, and the dancing at the Ball part.

And honestly, waiting for love is much easier than worrying about it. But I can’t promise that I won’t have that one person’s (the one from some previously posts) name floating in my head. (Well how can I forget? This guy in my art class kind of reminds me of him). ;p

Anyways… ~Bye!

❤