Reboot. Restart. Remember.

It’s been quite sometime since I’ve used this. Over the past couple years, I found no use for this, but now I have once again.

This is my rant space. This is where I can complain and cry without being seen by my friends or family. If they do see it, I’m sorry that I’m not openning up to you all instead.

Here goes nothing. I’m now a freshman in college, finishing my second semester. It’s not going as planned. I truly thought I was ready for college, but my grades say otherwise. I’m nearly failing Calculus, Japanese is murdering me, English is my only decent class, and Psychology is just a buffer. I don’t even know what I want for the future. I know I’m still starting and it doesn’t matter, but I don’t know if I’ll ever figure it out. Everything I do, I lose interst in. I love art, but the second I mess up on a piece, I think it’s not for me. I love acting and voice acting, but I don’t know if that is what I can do. I’m not science-oriented, I hate maths and social studies. I’m decent with computers, but I wouldn’t know because most computer majors require the hardest math classes. My parents keep telling me to do a major that’ll get me money, but I couldn’t care less about money! I just want to be happy for once! I get so mad when people tell me to go into art because I’m “good” at it. I’m absolutely SICK of people telling me that I’m good at something. Dad keeps saying I’m “good at math” and everyone tells me “You should pursue art. You’re good at it!” IF I WAS GOOD AT THESE THINGS, THEY WOULDN’T MAKE ME CRY EVERY TIME I MESSED UP! If I was good at math, I wouldn’t be failing. If I was good at art, I wouldn’t need to look up pose references or how-to-draw videos. If I was good at anything, I would be able to do it on my own! It’s not like I can expand my horizons and try new things. I can’t afford anything. I have no job, and yet, I’m helping my parents pay rent. I just want to be happy. I can’t even find happiness through people. Every time there’s a guy who tries to get close, I play. I’ll admit it. I’m a bitch, and I play with people’s emotions, and I feel nothing. I’m trying to find that one person who can stop this, but I haven’t felt real emotions towards someone for a very long time. I have trust issues, commitment issues, jealousy problems, and I’m truly just a mess. I haven’t found any way to stop myself from being this way. I’m a follower, and yet, I’ll revolt in a blink of an eye.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. All I know is that I’m empty inside, I’m pathetic. I want to drop out, but I don’t want to hurt myself. If I drop out, I’ll get beat. If I even say “I don’t like school”, they act as if I killed someone. I just want everything to end, but I can’t kill myself because I’ll be putting my burdens on my parents and brother. I’m trying to stay strong, I really am, but a lot of times, I can’t stop from thinking shitty thoughts about myself. I’ve tried drowning thoughts out with music, but it’s come to the point where music doesn’t help anymore. I can sing the lyrics of a song and cry because I hear my thoughts saying bad things.

I just want to be happy. Right now, nothing makes me happy except wasting my life away lying in bed watching anime. 

Just Read and Listen

Hey,
this is a letter from me, to you, the reader.
now this doesn’t mean it has to apply to you, but just read and understand.
And since this is real talk, My name is Tiffany and I am here for every one of you, so here it goes.

Don’t let the darkness inside take over. Yeah, I know it’s hard. Im battling my own darkness as well. But listen to me it all will get better. Just dont give up. As much as you think it’ll be better if you give up, it wont. If you give up, you let what ever is bothering you win. Dont let it win. And I know it’s easier said than done. Trust me, I know. Ive been through crap. Some caused me to go mad and hallucinate, but Im getting better. Slowly, but surely it’s all getting better. I live in a house hold where my parents argue everyday and they yell at me and my brother. Hell, Ive even tried to run away once, but why didnt I? Something was holding me back. Because if I did give up, run, and end up no where, I’d be in a police office waiting for my parents to pick me up.
If you feel like you need someone to talk to, talk to someone. Reach out to everyone. Whether they may be miles away or right next door. Tell them, ask them for help. All help counts, and all help should be accepted. Just speak up. And let people who want to help know what’s wrong. I for one am there for anyone, and so are hundreds of thousands of people. Just reach out to us. Everyone deserves to live and be happy. Every thing just takes time. Be patient, someone will come to you, but at times you need to go to them.

This is kind of abrupt I know, but please know: giving up is never the solution. Go to people and ask for guidance.

Stay safe, keep on living. Every life is important no matter what. You are awesome.

Peace and Love~
Tiffany, aka TheaHowling.

Stressed OUT!!!

I only have enough time to do this one blog post today 😦

Since school has started again, I have gone very inactive with everything.

I am super stressed out having to run all the way from one end of the campus to the other. Today I got in class 10 seconds before the bell rang! And I’m sorry but my Spanish teacher is CRAZY, I mean seriously a THREE inch binder for one year of spanish!? I already have to carry a 2 inch binder on odd days, but I would have to carry a three inch binder EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

I have never cried in class because of stress until today. I almost had a panic attack because if we are late 3 times we get detention after school, if we get detention 3 time we get in school suspension, and 3 iss you get our of school suspension.

Also because of the stress I didn’t eat my lunch and in the morning I didn’t eat breakfast, so if my schedule doesn’t get fixed I’m either going to transfer, do homeschooling, or try to sign up for a foreign exchange student program.

That’s all I guess. Oh and I’m writing a song called “Welcome to Wonderland”. OH and tuesday, 27 of August is my birthday!! So that means I will be 15 FINALLY! 15 and in 10th grade :3

❤