I Miss You?

Here I am, one more time, just to say you’re always on my mind…

It’s been a year. Well more or less. You probably have moved on. And you’ll most likely never see this, but I hope you’re doing well. And i miss you? Sure, I miss you. You made me feel special, you helped me, saved me, drowned out the voices. Saying good morning, good night, saying that you want me by your side. Where did all that go? I was stupid. I don’t know what you did. I cant really say what you thought, but I can say what you said the last day we spoke. We talked, well argued. I closed Skype, but you messaged me saying “I know you’re online, I can see you in the stream chat.” Why were you looking at the stream chat? Just to yell at me more? Wait, stop. Im not here to argue again. I’m here to say I’m sorry again. And if I had the courage to, I’d send you this, but here I am typing this so everyone can see. I’m not a bitch, I don’t post names, Your identity is secret. Only some people would know… Only the ones that are close to be or that I talk to. My friends say all relationships have their ups and downs… What made you think I was a, and I quote, “creep”. I didn’t stalk you. I didn’t constantly message you. I’m not saying you did that because you didn’t. It’s just that… I really liked you, and I mean a lot. Ask any of my friends, they knew. Even a month or so after our “break up” I still mentioned you. They asked me “why do you care about him still?” and honestly the way they said it made me almost think that they sabotaged it and told you lies to make me stop talking about you… I’m sorry. Everyone that I burdened with these feelings, I’m so sorry. But now… I’m alone, wanting another friendship like that, and maybe even a relationship. Anyways, I wish you’d understand. I wish you’d be there again, or at least we can start over… Please… I mean I’ve tried to move on, but every guy I had some little interest in has a girlfriend and we don’t really talk much. I may really be, and I hate to say this, but I really think that I’ll be alone for along time. No one has ever been able to make the voices stop, make my anxiety fade, but now that you’re gone… It’s all going down, fast.

Life and Love and Why

I don’t care anymore. This is my blog, and it helps me become braver when talking to people. I need this blog to stay sane. My mum is probably taking me to a psychiatrist soon, so that’s something that’s freaking me out. 

I titled this as Life and Love and Why in “tribute” to the song by SwitchFoot. Love the song. You should totally check it out. Anyways here are my three things I’ll be talking about in this post:

Life. So far my life has had it’s ups and down, but when I get sad my mood just brightens up when I get a message from my friend asking if I’m okay or how I’m doing. The only thing I actually look forward to when I wake up is that later in the day I’ll possibly be able to talk to that friend. Everyday at school I’m just counting the minutes as they pass by. Monday, then Tuesday, then Wednesday, then Thursday, than Friday, and finally the weekend. I put up with constant questioning from my dad and the tons of homework I get from school just to finally be 2 days away from everything and just sit behind my computer screen smiling. Just a few minutes ago I felt like I was crying, but there were no tears. My face just felt like I had been crying for days, but I was perfectly happy listening to music.

This is where I get to the Love part of this post. Love. A very big word. Not in length, but in meaning. Love can be you love cake, You love your family, or you love your boyfriend/girlfriend, or if you’re single your “crush”. I have been guilty for liking someone A LOT, but I try not to show it, but when I write it I don’t need to include a name or where they’re at. But talking with friends they’ll say something like: “Do you like ______?” And I’ll always just say no but in my face you can tell that I’m lying. I try to keep the emotion love down because I’ll probably only say that I truly love someone when/if I get married. And no I’m not in a current relationship, but I do like someone and their personality. I DO NOT care for looks or brains(I mean as long as they know how to work a toaster/microwave), but for me it’s all personality. I mean I can’t tell how a person feels through text on a screen, but I know what I feel, and I may not know why I feel this way, but it’s there. Always making me smile even though I do not want to. I just can’t help it. I can usually hold back a smile but with him it’s different. I’m usually always serious, in school or at home, but when I talk with him it’s like he brings out the crazy(good kind) and weird me that sheltered herself because of judgmental people. I’m not usually all smiley and weird ,but when talking with him I can’t help but listen to all of my happy, bubbly songs and just dance around my house. My parents call me weird because I’ll be dancing all over my house, but I don’t care that’s who I am. Weird. Weird is cool. 😉

And the Why part. Why? I don’t know. Why do I always feel nervous? Why do I always want to cry? Why do I feel like no one’s there even though I have so many people around me. Why do I feel so depressed, but I don’t cut? Why did I always ask myself, “why do I live even though I begged myself to not wake up in the morning and to just be in a coma?” Why was I so confused? My friend linked me a video about how everyone changes all of the time. I’m glad that they linked me the video it really showed me that even though I don’t realize it I’m changing; my attitude, my way of thinking, and just myself. I used to be a bubbly and happy girl when I was younger, but then I changed and became sad, but since everyone is always changing I may be happy again. I’m already happier than last year, I made a friend who understands and makes me smile all of the time even though I do not want to.

That’s me a weird, crazy, and confused, gamer girl who hides her true self from the world. It’s time for me to take my own advice and be who I am because that is the real me not this, a lonely quiet girl who cries and begs for happiness.