Reboot. Restart. Remember.

It’s been quite sometime since I’ve used this. Over the past couple years, I found no use for this, but now I have once again.

This is my rant space. This is where I can complain and cry without being seen by my friends or family. If they do see it, I’m sorry that I’m not openning up to you all instead.

Here goes nothing. I’m now a freshman in college, finishing my second semester. It’s not going as planned. I truly thought I was ready for college, but my grades say otherwise. I’m nearly failing Calculus, Japanese is murdering me, English is my only decent class, and Psychology is just a buffer. I don’t even know what I want for the future. I know I’m still starting and it doesn’t matter, but I don’t know if I’ll ever figure it out. Everything I do, I lose interst in. I love art, but the second I mess up on a piece, I think it’s not for me. I love acting and voice acting, but I don’t know if that is what I can do. I’m not science-oriented, I hate maths and social studies. I’m decent with computers, but I wouldn’t know because most computer majors require the hardest math classes. My parents keep telling me to do a major that’ll get me money, but I couldn’t care less about money! I just want to be happy for once! I get so mad when people tell me to go into art because I’m “good” at it. I’m absolutely SICK of people telling me that I’m good at something. Dad keeps saying I’m “good at math” and everyone tells me “You should pursue art. You’re good at it!” IF I WAS GOOD AT THESE THINGS, THEY WOULDN’T MAKE ME CRY EVERY TIME I MESSED UP! If I was good at math, I wouldn’t be failing. If I was good at art, I wouldn’t need to look up pose references or how-to-draw videos. If I was good at anything, I would be able to do it on my own! It’s not like I can expand my horizons and try new things. I can’t afford anything. I have no job, and yet, I’m helping my parents pay rent. I just want to be happy. I can’t even find happiness through people. Every time there’s a guy who tries to get close, I play. I’ll admit it. I’m a bitch, and I play with people’s emotions, and I feel nothing. I’m trying to find that one person who can stop this, but I haven’t felt real emotions towards someone for a very long time. I have trust issues, commitment issues, jealousy problems, and I’m truly just a mess. I haven’t found any way to stop myself from being this way. I’m a follower, and yet, I’ll revolt in a blink of an eye.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. All I know is that I’m empty inside, I’m pathetic. I want to drop out, but I don’t want to hurt myself. If I drop out, I’ll get beat. If I even say “I don’t like school”, they act as if I killed someone. I just want everything to end, but I can’t kill myself because I’ll be putting my burdens on my parents and brother. I’m trying to stay strong, I really am, but a lot of times, I can’t stop from thinking shitty thoughts about myself. I’ve tried drowning thoughts out with music, but it’s come to the point where music doesn’t help anymore. I can sing the lyrics of a song and cry because I hear my thoughts saying bad things.

I just want to be happy. Right now, nothing makes me happy except wasting my life away lying in bed watching anime. 

Maybe Someday…

It’s weird. Wanting to say something, but you cant put it into words, so you decide to extend it into something more than it actually is. Then you stray from the topic and lead either onto what is bothering you or onto something pointless. However, sometimes, you just dont know why you’re doing something. It may seem as if your mind has no control over what happens, so any mistakes you make are not even visible to you as long as you said what you wanted. I guess I should stop straying and get on with it then, huh?
It’s funny, at least to me. I always say how much people annoy me, but really Im just jealous. I see couples happy, families together, people who are hurt finding comfort, and Im jealous because I dont have any of that. Now Im not saying I dont have a family, I do, but it feels like Im from a broken home. My older brother doesnt do shit and I get scolded for what he doesnt do. My mum is the most old fashioned person ever, saying that because Im a girl I cant do certain things. My dad verbally abuses me practically everyday. I cant go a day without hearing screaming. Sometimes I just want to cry, but I cant because I hate it. I hate being sad all of the time. I try so hard to be positive, but that’s hard to do when nothing goes right. Now, I might sound selfish when saying these things because atleast I have a family, a roof over my head, food to eat, but people dont understand that there’s more to being happy than all of that. To be happy, you need people who will always be there. Now, I have friends, great friends, but somehow I always manage to screw up and then my friends and I end up not talking for years or ever again. People dont understand how shitty I feel. I want to talk to someone because I know something is wrong with me, but everytime I bring it up to my parents they say “It’s just a phase, You’ll be okay in the morning.” And you know what, Im not okay. Im never okay. Ask me how Im doing, I say Im fine, but in reality Im not! Okay?! Im not fine, Im not happy, Im not okay. It’s just hard for me to talk about it with anyone because I dont know how to say it and I dont want to be a burden. I once had a friend who I could count on when I felt like this, and I loved him, I hate to say it because Im only 16, but I felt like I loved him, and it took me practically a year and a half to get over him. And I just wish someone who was that caring will come in my life and be truly honest and caring with me, and hopefully that time will not be like him and not be a liar or someone who wants another person to kill themself. I just want to find someone who will bring happiness back into my life. I just want to be happy again because honestly, I cant remember a time when I was ever happy. I was forced to grow up when I was just a primary school kid, and now look where that has gotten me. I cant speak in front of crowds or even record myself speaking, I have horrible grades, I cant do anything. I just want to be happy, but I guess that dream is more fantasy than reality…