I Miss You?

Here I am, one more time, just to say you’re always on my mind…

It’s been a year. Well more or less. You probably have moved on. And you’ll most likely never see this, but I hope you’re doing well. And i miss you? Sure, I miss you. You made me feel special, you helped me, saved me, drowned out the voices. Saying good morning, good night, saying that you want me by your side. Where did all that go? I was stupid. I don’t know what you did. I cant really say what you thought, but I can say what you said the last day we spoke. We talked, well argued. I closed Skype, but you messaged me saying “I know you’re online, I can see you in the stream chat.” Why were you looking at the stream chat? Just to yell at me more? Wait, stop. Im not here to argue again. I’m here to say I’m sorry again. And if I had the courage to, I’d send you this, but here I am typing this so everyone can see. I’m not a bitch, I don’t post names, Your identity is secret. Only some people would know… Only the ones that are close to be or that I talk to. My friends say all relationships have their ups and downs… What made you think I was a, and I quote, “creep”. I didn’t stalk you. I didn’t constantly message you. I’m not saying you did that because you didn’t. It’s just that… I really liked you, and I mean a lot. Ask any of my friends, they knew. Even a month or so after our “break up” I still mentioned you. They asked me “why do you care about him still?” and honestly the way they said it made me almost think that they sabotaged it and told you lies to make me stop talking about you… I’m sorry. Everyone that I burdened with these feelings, I’m so sorry. But now… I’m alone, wanting another friendship like that, and maybe even a relationship. Anyways, I wish you’d understand. I wish you’d be there again, or at least we can start over… Please… I mean I’ve tried to move on, but every guy I had some little interest in has a girlfriend and we don’t really talk much. I may really be, and I hate to say this, but I really think that I’ll be alone for along time. No one has ever been able to make the voices stop, make my anxiety fade, but now that you’re gone… It’s all going down, fast.

From My Journal

She’s silent. Loneliness can kill. She’s shy. Laughter hides, but does not help. She hides behind a computer screen. She can’t hide forever. She wants to be unknown. But she begs for friendship. The boy she thinks about, wants to see her face. They live in different parts of the world. The only thing connecting the, a computer screen. A camera, the way they can speak face to face. Will her anxiety get the best of her? That one camera can change the mind. Will he drop her because of how she looks? Or will he be like what he says? He’s no ordinary boy; he listens and understands. But will he understand that the person on the outside is a cover for who they are truly on the inside? Or will his understanding vanish once he sees what she looks like. Without a picture or video feed, it only matters what’s on the inside. She never lied to him. But will they stay friends after talking face to face, or will it be a repeat of other times where a boy would start to call her ugly. Five hours apart, thousands of miles away, two different people, all in the same world. If she hadn’t met him, she would be crying now. If he hadn’t listened, she’d be screaming now. They stood up to a cyberbully together. Worried about each other, they talked. They’d chat about the girl and her life, and he would understand. She’d cry the screen, but acted as if everything was fine in these simple words, “I’m alright.” That one camera could change everything. The boy could no longer accept her or he could still save her. Lost in her own world the continues to write about her life in a personal truth. Still worried that her anxiety will stop her from getting that one camera that can connect their worlds, she stops and thinks… I don’t want it to become like past times, I just want a friend that I can talk to. I can’t even talk to friends, family, or even doctors, the way I can talk to him. But is that only because he doesn’t see who I am? Five hour time change, thousands of miles apart, two different people, all in the same world. The girl worries. The boy waits. Each behind a computer screen. The girl is me.