I Promise I’ll Try to Keep Trying

I have no one in my life that I can talk to about this, so I rely on you, the reader, to be my friend in this situation. Now it’s kinda hard to type what I really want to say without hitting the delete key and erasing every word, so this may or may not go up. If you are reading this then well at least one person had to have read this. So here goes nothing:

I just want one day, one simple day with no yelling, no crying, and no want to kill myself. That day hasn’t returned in over a year. Sucks not being able to talk to people. I’d either get made fun of or push aside. I dont want to do anything anymore. I fall asleep crying, I wake up with my first thought being “Why cant I be dead?” And honestly I have no idea how Im surviving. Well I have a hint, you see, I’ve made so many great friends online, but I do need some friends who are right next to be that will always be here. Sadly, Im no good with friends. I tend to push them away. Everyone close to me, I pushed away. MY best friend of eleven years, now ignores me. The one guy that like me for who I really was, now hates my guts probably. My two closest friends I’ve had at my old school don’t remember my existence. My family hates me. MY family makes fun of me, judges me. They wonder why Im so caught up in video games, esports, music, movies. I’m so addicted to these things because they’re my escape from all the pain. I could so easily be addicted to other things, but no, my mind is set on fandoms, gaming, and writing. I hate my life. I hate the school I go to. I hate every single aspect of myself, but gaming? I’d sell my soul to pursue gaming. Making them, voicing in them, and just playing them. It’s what I love doing, but everyone in my life seems to disagree with what I want to do. Even though it’s my choice, I don’t get to choose.
Really choices don’t exist. I don’t choose to have panic attacks everyday, I don’t choose to hear voices telling me Im stupid or should die, I don’t choose to cry at random times, and I don’t choose to live, no I promised to live. I promised everyone that I’ll live. And it’s really hard to keep going when everyone is telling you “you’re worthless, you need to stop doing this and that, you’re ugly, you’re stupid’ you’re not special, you should just die.” Well you know what? Has it every occurred to those people who told me this, or to anyone who has told someone else these things that maybe we know this. That these thoughts echo in our minds daily, 24/7, and to some people the only way to stop the thoughts, is to cover it up with their screaming and crying. Have I cut myself? No, but have I thought about it or wanted to? Yes, but not for attention. I wanted to because I wanted to see if I was awake. I prayed that it was all just a dream, but it wouldn’t be. And hell, I’ve even thought about hanging myself. I was twelve when it all started. And that is really fucked up. A twelve year old looking up on how to tie a noose. I promised so many people that I would stay living, but it’s hard when everyone in your life pushes you off the edge.

I’m trying so hard, and I promise that I’ll keep trying, but I don’t know how much longer I can until I fall off the edge.

The two songs that I’ve been listening to that have helped me stay strong are by Emma Blackery: “The Promise” and “Perfect”.

Now I’m gonna go before I cry harder.