Reboot. Restart. Remember.

It’s been quite sometime since I’ve used this. Over the past couple years, I found no use for this, but now I have once again.

This is my rant space. This is where I can complain and cry without being seen by my friends or family. If they do see it, I’m sorry that I’m not openning up to you all instead.

Here goes nothing. I’m now a freshman in college, finishing my second semester. It’s not going as planned. I truly thought I was ready for college, but my grades say otherwise. I’m nearly failing Calculus, Japanese is murdering me, English is my only decent class, and Psychology is just a buffer. I don’t even know what I want for the future. I know I’m still starting and it doesn’t matter, but I don’t know if I’ll ever figure it out. Everything I do, I lose interst in. I love art, but the second I mess up on a piece, I think it’s not for me. I love acting and voice acting, but I don’t know if that is what I can do. I’m not science-oriented, I hate maths and social studies. I’m decent with computers, but I wouldn’t know because most computer majors require the hardest math classes. My parents keep telling me to do a major that’ll get me money, but I couldn’t care less about money! I just want to be happy for once! I get so mad when people tell me to go into art because I’m “good” at it. I’m absolutely SICK of people telling me that I’m good at something. Dad keeps saying I’m “good at math” and everyone tells me “You should pursue art. You’re good at it!” IF I WAS GOOD AT THESE THINGS, THEY WOULDN’T MAKE ME CRY EVERY TIME I MESSED UP! If I was good at math, I wouldn’t be failing. If I was good at art, I wouldn’t need to look up pose references or how-to-draw videos. If I was good at anything, I would be able to do it on my own! It’s not like I can expand my horizons and try new things. I can’t afford anything. I have no job, and yet, I’m helping my parents pay rent. I just want to be happy. I can’t even find happiness through people. Every time there’s a guy who tries to get close, I play. I’ll admit it. I’m a bitch, and I play with people’s emotions, and I feel nothing. I’m trying to find that one person who can stop this, but I haven’t felt real emotions towards someone for a very long time. I have trust issues, commitment issues, jealousy problems, and I’m truly just a mess. I haven’t found any way to stop myself from being this way. I’m a follower, and yet, I’ll revolt in a blink of an eye.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. All I know is that I’m empty inside, I’m pathetic. I want to drop out, but I don’t want to hurt myself. If I drop out, I’ll get beat. If I even say “I don’t like school”, they act as if I killed someone. I just want everything to end, but I can’t kill myself because I’ll be putting my burdens on my parents and brother. I’m trying to stay strong, I really am, but a lot of times, I can’t stop from thinking shitty thoughts about myself. I’ve tried drowning thoughts out with music, but it’s come to the point where music doesn’t help anymore. I can sing the lyrics of a song and cry because I hear my thoughts saying bad things.

I just want to be happy. Right now, nothing makes me happy except wasting my life away lying in bed watching anime. 

Rock Out to Music

I had no idea what to put as the title.

I love listening to music when I lean on my chair and stare at my ceiling. It’s kept me “calm” for the day. My heartbeat has felt odd like 1…2…3…123…1…2…3…123… Too complicated for me to explain, but basically it’s like normal beat for a bit then it beats rapidly then slows down again. It worries me, and I have enough things on my mind that confuse me at the moment.

My emotions have just confused me the most. I’m happy at one moment, but then I feel sick to my stomach. I get nervous then my heartbeats super fast, then slows down. At one moment I didn’t feel like talking to someone, but now at this moment I really want to talk to someone that’s not going to nag at me about something stupid. I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs and just going on a long run. I have asthma and running is not a good thing, but there are times when I sprint as fast as I can and don’t stop until I feel like passing out. Those moments calm me down if I can’t talk to anyone, but they can have their consequences like me having to go to the hospital because I can’t breathe or just passing out in the middle of the street (depending on where I am at the time). And please disregard any past post about me liking that guy that always makes me smile because right now I have no idea what I’m feeling right now, but this doesn’t mean that those feelings are gone because they’re not… I don’t think they are. I’m just so confused right now! I have too many things running through my head that are yelled out when no one is home. Things that don’t even make sense. They’re just thoughts that need to escape, and I don’t even know what those thoughts are, they’re just there and then they escape at random times. I just… I need to breathe, I need my space away from my parents, family, school, and just reality. I need to be online and just calm myself down. Death frightens me so much that I can’t think about it or I’ll worry. Saying it is fine but now I start to think about it and it freaks me out and I just need to get my mind off of it and everything that happens behind this screen. i need to walk away from my life that’s behind this screen and just calm down and not worry. I always feel like that computer screens connect people with someone else. And if you look hard enough (hypothetically speaking/metaphor/expression) you can see who the person really is. Just like reading in between the lines, which if you knew me well enough you would be able to tell who/what I’ve been talking about or how I really felt for all of these months. 

I thinks that’s all for today. Thanks for reading if you do.

❤ Until Next Time ❤