Reboot. Restart. Remember.

It’s been quite sometime since I’ve used this. Over the past couple years, I found no use for this, but now I have once again.

This is my rant space. This is where I can complain and cry without being seen by my friends or family. If they do see it, I’m sorry that I’m not openning up to you all instead.

Here goes nothing. I’m now a freshman in college, finishing my second semester. It’s not going as planned. I truly thought I was ready for college, but my grades say otherwise. I’m nearly failing Calculus, Japanese is murdering me, English is my only decent class, and Psychology is just a buffer. I don’t even know what I want for the future. I know I’m still starting and it doesn’t matter, but I don’t know if I’ll ever figure it out. Everything I do, I lose interst in. I love art, but the second I mess up on a piece, I think it’s not for me. I love acting and voice acting, but I don’t know if that is what I can do. I’m not science-oriented, I hate maths and social studies. I’m decent with computers, but I wouldn’t know because most computer majors require the hardest math classes. My parents keep telling me to do a major that’ll get me money, but I couldn’t care less about money! I just want to be happy for once! I get so mad when people tell me to go into art because I’m “good” at it. I’m absolutely SICK of people telling me that I’m good at something. Dad keeps saying I’m “good at math” and everyone tells me “You should pursue art. You’re good at it!” IF I WAS GOOD AT THESE THINGS, THEY WOULDN’T MAKE ME CRY EVERY TIME I MESSED UP! If I was good at math, I wouldn’t be failing. If I was good at art, I wouldn’t need to look up pose references or how-to-draw videos. If I was good at anything, I would be able to do it on my own! It’s not like I can expand my horizons and try new things. I can’t afford anything. I have no job, and yet, I’m helping my parents pay rent. I just want to be happy. I can’t even find happiness through people. Every time there’s a guy who tries to get close, I play. I’ll admit it. I’m a bitch, and I play with people’s emotions, and I feel nothing. I’m trying to find that one person who can stop this, but I haven’t felt real emotions towards someone for a very long time. I have trust issues, commitment issues, jealousy problems, and I’m truly just a mess. I haven’t found any way to stop myself from being this way. I’m a follower, and yet, I’ll revolt in a blink of an eye.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. All I know is that I’m empty inside, I’m pathetic. I want to drop out, but I don’t want to hurt myself. If I drop out, I’ll get beat. If I even say “I don’t like school”, they act as if I killed someone. I just want everything to end, but I can’t kill myself because I’ll be putting my burdens on my parents and brother. I’m trying to stay strong, I really am, but a lot of times, I can’t stop from thinking shitty thoughts about myself. I’ve tried drowning thoughts out with music, but it’s come to the point where music doesn’t help anymore. I can sing the lyrics of a song and cry because I hear my thoughts saying bad things.

I just want to be happy. Right now, nothing makes me happy except wasting my life away lying in bed watching anime. 

Music To Life Part 2

I was to to make a story of mostly song lyrics, and it must be based off of my life or how I feel. This is it:

“There’s a girl
Who sits under the bleachers
Just another day eating alone
And though she smiles
There is something just hiding
And she cant find a way to relate
She just goes unnoticed
As the crowd passes by
And she’ll pretend to be busy
When inside she just wants to cry”

Because “she’s upset
Bad day
Heads for the dresser drawer to
Drive her pain away
Nothing good can come of this.
She opens it there’s nothing
There is only left over tears
‘Mom and dad had no right,’ she screams
As the anger runs down both of her cheeks.”

“Despair you come to me. With your poison and your misery. Death come to sing. With your poison and your misery. Death surrounds me singing to me softly.”

And I think that these “voices won’t go away
They stay for days and days
They say some awful things, ways to make you fade away
I don’t think no one’s home
And we’re just here alone”

“How am I supposed to be everything they expect me to be when I feel so alone, cause I left my heart at home”

“There are beings that live off of fears 
And their words are like knives
As they play with our lives 
They’ll try to control you
As if they own you
Will you let them steal your freedom?”

No! “I won’t take this world’s abuse
I won’t give up, I refuse!
This is how it feels when you’re bent and broken
This is how it feels when your dignity’s stolen
When everything you love is leaving
You hold on to what you believe in.”

“She opened her life
And found relief through His eyes
And put down
She put down her knife”

But I “Can’t shake this feeling that I have
The worst is just around the bend
And does he notice my feelings for him?
And will he see how much he means to me?
I think it’s not to be”

“Last summer we met 
We started as friends 
I can’t tell you how it all happened…

And I wonder if you miss me too 
If you don’t is there one thing 
That I wish you knew 
I think about you 
Every morning when I open my eyes 
I think about you 
Every evening when I turn out the lights 
I think about you 
Every moment every day of my life 
You’re on my mind all the time it’s true”

But “I don’t let nobody see me wishing he was mine
And If you ask me if I love him, I’d lie”

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Songs:

1. Miss Invisible- Marie Digby
2. The Way She Feels- Between The Trees
3. [Ending] Good to Be Alive- Skillet
4. Another Way Out- Hollywood Undead
5. Miles Away- Memphis MayFire
6. [English] Guren no Yumiya- AmaLee [COVER]
7. Not gonna die- Skillet
8. Sally’s song- Amy Lee
9. I think about You- Ross Lynch
10. I’d Lie- Taylor Swift