Maybe Someday…

It’s weird. Wanting to say something, but you cant put it into words, so you decide to extend it into something more than it actually is. Then you stray from the topic and lead either onto what is bothering you or onto something pointless. However, sometimes, you just dont know why you’re doing something. It may seem as if your mind has no control over what happens, so any mistakes you make are not even visible to you as long as you said what you wanted. I guess I should stop straying and get on with it then, huh?
It’s funny, at least to me. I always say how much people annoy me, but really Im just jealous. I see couples happy, families together, people who are hurt finding comfort, and Im jealous because I dont have any of that. Now Im not saying I dont have a family, I do, but it feels like Im from a broken home. My older brother doesnt do shit and I get scolded for what he doesnt do. My mum is the most old fashioned person ever, saying that because Im a girl I cant do certain things. My dad verbally abuses me practically everyday. I cant go a day without hearing screaming. Sometimes I just want to cry, but I cant because I hate it. I hate being sad all of the time. I try so hard to be positive, but that’s hard to do when nothing goes right. Now, I might sound selfish when saying these things because atleast I have a family, a roof over my head, food to eat, but people dont understand that there’s more to being happy than all of that. To be happy, you need people who will always be there. Now, I have friends, great friends, but somehow I always manage to screw up and then my friends and I end up not talking for years or ever again. People dont understand how shitty I feel. I want to talk to someone because I know something is wrong with me, but everytime I bring it up to my parents they say “It’s just a phase, You’ll be okay in the morning.” And you know what, Im not okay. Im never okay. Ask me how Im doing, I say Im fine, but in reality Im not! Okay?! Im not fine, Im not happy, Im not okay. It’s just hard for me to talk about it with anyone because I dont know how to say it and I dont want to be a burden. I once had a friend who I could count on when I felt like this, and I loved him, I hate to say it because Im only 16, but I felt like I loved him, and it took me practically a year and a half to get over him. And I just wish someone who was that caring will come in my life and be truly honest and caring with me, and hopefully that time will not be like him and not be a liar or someone who wants another person to kill themself. I just want to find someone who will bring happiness back into my life. I just want to be happy again because honestly, I cant remember a time when I was ever happy. I was forced to grow up when I was just a primary school kid, and now look where that has gotten me. I cant speak in front of crowds or even record myself speaking, I have horrible grades, I cant do anything. I just want to be happy, but I guess that dream is more fantasy than reality…

Dear Me

Hey,

I know our ages aren’t far apart, but I have learned a lot in a few years. You need to understand that things happen for a reason. Death will come and take someone you love, but dont let that hold you back. Their memories will always be with you. Though I have a hard time now doing it, you have to remember that you are perfect the way you are. Sometimes people will tell you mean things like to go kill yourself. Dont listen to them. You need to remember you belong here, and there is someone who cares. In years to come, people will tell you to end your life, and you have tried to at times, so tell them that Death didn’t need you yet and Heaven didn’t have a place ready for you yet. This is your life. It’s a line. You have only completed one tiny tiny portion of it, you have so much to look forward to. Maybe you’ll get married and have a family. I don’t know yet, Im still waiting myself. Remember people come and go. Dont lock them out. You’ll make some fantastic friends online and in real life. There will be more people who come into your life, you just have to let them. Also, you dont have to try and be the perfect girl society wants because YOU are unique in your own way. Dont let people bring you down. You’ll always have your sketchbook and tens of notebooks waiting for the stories you will tell.

Keep on keeping on.
From,
Me

Swear To Be

Hey…
Youre the only one I can tell this to.
I dont know who reads this, but I do know, someone eventually will.

So, you see. Im only 16. I hate my life, but I keep going. I know some people care, but I feel like those with whom I live with, they dont. But maybe you will, so here goes nothing.

I need help. I know something is wrong with me. Whether it be stress, anxiety, depression, schizophrenia piling up on one another in my head, or Im just worthless.
I get told by my parents: “lose weight”, “be pretty”, “be like her”, “have friends”. Im told these things everyday. I try to tell them that if I try to talk to people I panic. I tell them I hate my life. I tell them that I cant stand being alone in a dark house. But they just brush me off. Its like they dont care. On top of that they yell at me when I do nothing wrong. Its like Im the first person that comes to mind when theyre mad. And that makes me wonder, is it my fault? Am I the reason why? Am I the reason why they suffer and are mad?

Update. 19:03pm. Started this about 30minutes ago, and stopped because my arms are burning. Further explaination:
Just now my dad started yelling and swearing. Then he threatened to kill my guinea pigs. The only things that have kept me sane and happy he threated to kill, and when I heard that I immediately got up and yelled “What did you say”. He said it again, and I just got so pissed that when I turned around… I almost broke my promise to everyone.
I ran and grabbed a pair of scissors. They were the first things I saw, and I grabbed them. But then I stopped. I stopped, gripping them tightly and tried to press them against my skin. But I couldnt do it.
I yelled at myself “Just do it! Why wont you do it?!” I tried, but I couldnt. Half of me wanted to just slice my neck, my arms, my thighs, but the other half said no.
I couldnt do it.
So I went to take a shower, which is why my arms are burning. I put it at the hottest level, and I just started clawing at my arms. I was even tempted to chug bleach. And I was praying that I was sleeping, I was praying for it to be a nightmare, but I guess Im awake.

Now I cant even smile. I try and all I want to do is cry.

Not Easy

It’s easier to say that you can get over anxiety, but it’s way harder than it seems. At first your like: I’ll do it. Then something hits you and you can feel your heart beating in your chest and you can hear your beath quickening. Then you decide to not do it and that you cant.
What if I mess up?
What if I make a fool of myself?
What if this… What if that…
The list goes on for miles.
Im not confident in myself, but hey Im writing this arent I? Thats a start. I just write until I dont have anything else. Next thing I know I hit send and poof I did something without holding back.
One little step at a time.
Thanks for reading. Youre awesome. Good night. Peace and Love.

I’ll Try To Not Stop Breathing

She’s done… I’m done.

I was just sitting doing my homework when my dad sits on the couch and watches a video with super loud volume. It bothered me yes, but I did NOT say anything! All I did was turn my paper and he just yells at me and tells me to shut up even though I didnt say anything. What the heck seriously?! He just kept yelling at me and then I said calmly “I didnt say anything.” and then he yelled even more saying don’t talk back. And I didnt say anything all I did was get up and he yelled even more. What am I supposed to do stop breathing. Maybe I will! Who cares anymore? My dad yells at me for no reason, and my mom barely talks to me because shes always at work, and my brother is never home. Im all alone now. I have no one to talk to. Now Im just locked in my room crying and typing this. What’s the point anymore. No one cares anymore. And Im sick of people acting like they care because they feel bad and pity me. All I have is this blog and the thousands of notebooks I have and songs I listen to. Talking to the pages. 

I just need someone to talk to. Someone who I can be myself with. Someone I can talk to after school. Someone that when Im in school I cant wait to talk to. Someone or something like I had before. Just for that to be a longer friendship. And I wont screw it up again if I ever have something like that before.

~Thanks for reading. Peace and Love, Until next time.

I literally have this song on repeat to comfort me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fn4gXdCIPRY&list=RDN9Y_QW0OaPE

She doesnt belong

Shes not special. Shes so quiet. She doesnt mean anything to anyone. Shes dying inside. And losing her mind. She cant even write without forgetting letters. She cant speak without mixing words together. No one notices her. They talk bad about her to her face thinking that she cant here.
Well guess what. In her mind she has already killed herself. Shes stuck in her imaginary world. In that world its just her and characters she made up. Well shes done. Shes giving up. Shes done with going to her imaginary world. From now on shell stop thinking. She still wont talk, and she’ll truly be dead inside. All she will do is sit there and stare at her desk. Are you happy? Because we’ll never know who she really was. Well only know her as the quiet girl who drew pictures and wrote poems. Like this one:
Let the tears fall down
Let the blood wash away
From my hands
I stand
At the edge of the day
And here I swear theres nothing
Thatll stop me to be away
And fall to the ground
Let the tears fall down
Let the blood wash away
From me
And my heart is pounding in my chest
Ill shed the skin
And be who i want to be
And Ill fall to the ground
And hope for someones arms to catch me
As these tears fall to the ground.

She writes to think and thinks to live. What will happen once her mind goes black? She’ll start to write using the words she, he, they, and them.
I know what youre probably thinking. Is that girl me? Probably.

Who Are You? And Why Are You Here?

I hear whispers in my head waking me up in the middle of the night. I hear screaming in headphones and speakers of anything around me. I hear the echos “where am i? Save me!” I try to hide it, but I flinch when the warning static sounds in my head. Who is talking to me? Is there anybody there? Or am I just going insane? I have the urge to scream as if Im scared by something, but what is scaring me. Is it deep within? I need answers and what these voices are saying, I won’t be getting help anytime soon. What is this? What am I hearing? Why am I asking anyone? Half of me says Im crazy and the other half says theres nothing wrong. Why?

Let Go

“All you have to do is let go.

Close your eyes and imagine a door.

Allow the door to open and see the thing you want to let go at the door.

In your mind force it to leave.

As it’s standing out the door, Close the door.

You can do it. Just close the door.

Once the door is closed, lock it, and walk away from it.

Do not turn around. Let go.”

I had a friend. A good friend. Then he dropped me. A harsh fall. Telling me to kill myself, calling me bad names, but I didn’t let him win I said to him Thank you. But I didn’t let go. I told him too much to let go. I still can’t. I need something to fill that void, but until then I’m stuck. I need something to replace those memories. Everything I hear reminds me of him. I met 4 different people with the same first name as him, then read about 6 different people with the same last name. I’m going mad. I need help to let go, but for some reason I won’t accept any.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now on my youtube channel that should be starting soon: http://www.youtube.com/user/TheaHowling I’m going to do something that sort of involves this blog. Kind of like Ask Shirley, but it’ll be me giving advice to people about what they ask , but in a video. You can submit things like questions or statements in any comment section or here: ask.fm/TheaHowling

or on my twitter: twitter.com/TheaHowling

It’ll help a lot so thanks.

Peace and Love ❤

Song of the day: Gravity by Sara Bareilles