It’s been quite sometime since I’ve used this. Over the past couple years, I found no use for this, but now I have once again.
This is my rant space. This is where I can complain and cry without being seen by my friends or family. If they do see it, I’m sorry that I’m not openning up to you all instead.
Here goes nothing. I’m now a freshman in college, finishing my second semester. It’s not going as planned. I truly thought I was ready for college, but my grades say otherwise. I’m nearly failing Calculus, Japanese is murdering me, English is my only decent class, and Psychology is just a buffer. I don’t even know what I want for the future. I know I’m still starting and it doesn’t matter, but I don’t know if I’ll ever figure it out. Everything I do, I lose interst in. I love art, but the second I mess up on a piece, I think it’s not for me. I love acting and voice acting, but I don’t know if that is what I can do. I’m not science-oriented, I hate maths and social studies. I’m decent with computers, but I wouldn’t know because most computer majors require the hardest math classes. My parents keep telling me to do a major that’ll get me money, but I couldn’t care less about money! I just want to be happy for once! I get so mad when people tell me to go into art because I’m “good” at it. I’m absolutely SICK of people telling me that I’m good at something. Dad keeps saying I’m “good at math” and everyone tells me “You should pursue art. You’re good at it!” IF I WAS GOOD AT THESE THINGS, THEY WOULDN’T MAKE ME CRY EVERY TIME I MESSED UP! If I was good at math, I wouldn’t be failing. If I was good at art, I wouldn’t need to look up pose references or how-to-draw videos. If I was good at anything, I would be able to do it on my own! It’s not like I can expand my horizons and try new things. I can’t afford anything. I have no job, and yet, I’m helping my parents pay rent. I just want to be happy. I can’t even find happiness through people. Every time there’s a guy who tries to get close, I play. I’ll admit it. I’m a bitch, and I play with people’s emotions, and I feel nothing. I’m trying to find that one person who can stop this, but I haven’t felt real emotions towards someone for a very long time. I have trust issues, commitment issues, jealousy problems, and I’m truly just a mess. I haven’t found any way to stop myself from being this way. I’m a follower, and yet, I’ll revolt in a blink of an eye.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. All I know is that I’m empty inside, I’m pathetic. I want to drop out, but I don’t want to hurt myself. If I drop out, I’ll get beat. If I even say “I don’t like school”, they act as if I killed someone. I just want everything to end, but I can’t kill myself because I’ll be putting my burdens on my parents and brother. I’m trying to stay strong, I really am, but a lot of times, I can’t stop from thinking shitty thoughts about myself. I’ve tried drowning thoughts out with music, but it’s come to the point where music doesn’t help anymore. I can sing the lyrics of a song and cry because I hear my thoughts saying bad things.
I just want to be happy. Right now, nothing makes me happy except wasting my life away lying in bed watching anime.
The Me Behind The Screen 