Swear To Be

Hey…
Youre the only one I can tell this to.
I dont know who reads this, but I do know, someone eventually will.

So, you see. Im only 16. I hate my life, but I keep going. I know some people care, but I feel like those with whom I live with, they dont. But maybe you will, so here goes nothing.

I need help. I know something is wrong with me. Whether it be stress, anxiety, depression, schizophrenia piling up on one another in my head, or Im just worthless.
I get told by my parents: “lose weight”, “be pretty”, “be like her”, “have friends”. Im told these things everyday. I try to tell them that if I try to talk to people I panic. I tell them I hate my life. I tell them that I cant stand being alone in a dark house. But they just brush me off. Its like they dont care. On top of that they yell at me when I do nothing wrong. Its like Im the first person that comes to mind when theyre mad. And that makes me wonder, is it my fault? Am I the reason why? Am I the reason why they suffer and are mad?

Update. 19:03pm. Started this about 30minutes ago, and stopped because my arms are burning. Further explaination:
Just now my dad started yelling and swearing. Then he threatened to kill my guinea pigs. The only things that have kept me sane and happy he threated to kill, and when I heard that I immediately got up and yelled “What did you say”. He said it again, and I just got so pissed that when I turned around… I almost broke my promise to everyone.
I ran and grabbed a pair of scissors. They were the first things I saw, and I grabbed them. But then I stopped. I stopped, gripping them tightly and tried to press them against my skin. But I couldnt do it.
I yelled at myself “Just do it! Why wont you do it?!” I tried, but I couldnt. Half of me wanted to just slice my neck, my arms, my thighs, but the other half said no.
I couldnt do it.
So I went to take a shower, which is why my arms are burning. I put it at the hottest level, and I just started clawing at my arms. I was even tempted to chug bleach. And I was praying that I was sleeping, I was praying for it to be a nightmare, but I guess Im awake.

Now I cant even smile. I try and all I want to do is cry.

Behind These Dull Eyes and Bright Smile

I’m seriously sick of getting yelled at, cursed at, blamed, and just pure bullied by my own family. A home is supposed to make you feel safe, not make you feel like shit. I mean come on! I should be able to talk about my problems to them first, but nope, I tell everything to you guys, the strangers I barely know, I tell you all everything: my crushes, hard times, sadness, and things like these. No this isn’t a suicide note. But I’m falling, guys, I’m losing my will to keep going on. I can’t take it anymore! I’m sick of waiting till everyone’s asleep to cry, my closest friends are on the internet. They make you smile, you guys make me smile. I want to keep going. I know it gets better, but I just wish I could believe that 100%. My smile doesn’t reach my eyes, but no one seems to notice. I’m slowly going crazy. The hallucinations are getting worse, the sounds and voices are getting louder, they’re telling me to do it, to just give up. I’ve been eating less and less, I just can’t eat anymore than a spoonful. My headaches are getting worse because of this. I’ve even thought about dropping out of school… I can’t take all of this stress. Can someone just be here for me? I just need someone I can talk to about everything… I’m a lot different here than on Twitter… Twitter is my happyplace, but I can’t put this on their shoulders. And what’s helping to keep me alive is the message in this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DvYQpplzmzY

Peace and love ❤

Ranting about Things

For me, it’s like the door shut in my face right when I was about to go through.
I know I haven’t done any post on here for a while, but the reason is: I haven’t got a clue what to write about. Then just now… well about ten minutes ago… I decided “hey, why don’t I look through my past ‘mentions’ on Twitter. This was a very bad, but good mistake? I saw the “relationship” I had again, and reading the tweets made me remember. The bad thing was remembering how it ended and why, but the good thing was I remembered what it was like to have a real friend like that. Too bad it ended with “I don’t care if you kill yourself. You’re a creepy fugly F**ktard. Goodbye forever.” Now these words did not come from me, but from the other. Which leads me to my next point.

Never tell someone to kill themselves, no matter if it’s an email, text, IM, phone call, or whatever. If you tell someone to kill themselves, even if you just say it to act tough, it would be your fault along with the other people who said it. What if your words were the ones that caused them to do it? You meant it, but you didn’t think they’d follow through? Well, guess what? It’s a game of Russian Roulette. Each time you say it, it’s a dud, but then there may be the time that someone says it and it is the bullet. No one knows when, or who will say it, or how, or why, or where. If you’re the last person that says it to them then they pull the trigger, the blame will be on you mostly. Don’t assume anything about someone when you don’t know their life. Now to my next point.

‘Assuming makes an ass out of you and me”, my Geometry teacher said this a lot, but it’s true. Say you assume someone is cheating on their significant other, but they’re not, you are hated for spreading rumors, and the other is not trusting because of those rumors. Someone that is apparently my friend on FB was like “you don’t have anxiety. You’re just a wimp.” I sat there and thought to myself, “boy are you confused.” Anxiety is different for everyone. For me, I get panic attack symptoms everyday because I think about what I may do later and it scares me. When I want to tweet something, or even say something to someone, I reread the message 4+ times, put it into Google to make sure it’s okay, then stare at it for another five minutes, but then ending up deleting it. Same with these posts, I type so much, but then I delete it all and restart it. It bothers me and burdens me. I want to record things for YouTube, but I can’t because I’d have a panic attack once I hit record. It’ll be like: *clicks record* hello, I— *stops recording, hyperventilates, and nearly passes out*. It’s painful. I can’t do anything, I hate going to social events even with family because I feel like I’ll mess up, so I end up sitting on the couch listening to music and being an outcast.

Anyways, that’s all for this late night post. Hope you enjoyed(?) I guess. I hope this sent some sense into some of those who want people to commit suicide, or don’t understand anxiety and how it’s different for everyone. Next post will probably be either about LGBT/Equality or some rant.
Peace and Love ❤
bye :3

No Scars to Prove it.

She feels worthless. She feels alone, sad, and lost. She wants to give up. Give up on everything; happiness, love, friendship, life. She just can’t take it anymore. She’ll be crying one minute then laugh the next. She thinks she’s lying to herself, to friends, and to family when she smiles. She feels confused and just wants to lay down. Lay down forever and never get up. She can’t take it anymore. She just wants to know, Why the hell does she feel like this?! Why the hell is she so alone?! Constantly crying and begging to know, what will she achieve if these scars finally show. Hiding her pain from her parents and friends, just to let it out with some paper and some pens. She tries so hard to not cause self harm, but she always stares at the blade that could easily pierce her forearm. Begging herself to forget the past, and the times she tried to commit suicide last. She doesn’t have the scars to prove it, but you sure can tell, that this girl here has been through a shit load of hell.