I’m Sorry. I’m Trying My Best.

I’m trying so hard to be positive. For him, for everyone. Things just go downhill. I’m starting to have panic attacks more frequently. To be honest, they scare the absolute daylights out of me. I dont say anything because I know my parents won’t worry. They always think I’m overreacting. I have enough negativity in my house, so I try to be happier online, but as you can see due to previous posts, I can’t always keep it up. Everything feels like it’s going downhill. School is getting more stressful, my parents are becoming even more judgemental and favoring my brother over me, no one is hiring me, everything just is becoming so much harder to handle. I hate being like this, but I just can’t be happy anymore. I find hope in the dumbest things: guys who do drugs or are just bad people, video games depicting death as good, and more things. Now, I’d never do anything illegal or kill myself, I’m not sucidal, but if a car was coming at me quickly, I wouldn’t try to dodge the car. Like, I said, I hate being like this, all sad and negative, but right now, it’s all I have. The only thing that has actually made me smile for real and has made me feel all warm and full of life again, is talking with a person who I could never be with because of what he does plus he’s online, so that never worked in my favor before.
I don’t even know what this post is about. I’m just sorry that if I made a promise to you and I’m either late or didn’t keep it, please know, I’m so very sorry. I havent been myself lately and honestly, I dont even know who ‘myself’ even is anymore. My parents say I used to be happy all of the time, but when I look back, I only remember crying and getting hit or made fun of or yelled at. I dont know how someone who remembers only that can be happy. I can’t do it anymore, and I’m terrified about the future. I dont want to go to college, I dont want to die, I cant see anything positive anymore. All I think about it the sad, depressing parts that might come. Like, getting rejected by colleges, getting told I’m sick, realizing that I may never get married because of who I am, who or what dies, my death. I often have minor “visions” of either me drowning, getting hit by a car, getting in an accident. I want to know what is going on, but I dont know how. My parents wont take me to a professional. Hell, I dont even think they realize that something is wrong with me. I cant go a day without wanting to cry, and I cant go a day without thinking how I might die. I have more to say, but I dont want everyone to think I’m crazy.