Reboot. Restart. Remember.

It’s been quite sometime since I’ve used this. Over the past couple years, I found no use for this, but now I have once again.

This is my rant space. This is where I can complain and cry without being seen by my friends or family. If they do see it, I’m sorry that I’m not openning up to you all instead.

Here goes nothing. I’m now a freshman in college, finishing my second semester. It’s not going as planned. I truly thought I was ready for college, but my grades say otherwise. I’m nearly failing Calculus, Japanese is murdering me, English is my only decent class, and Psychology is just a buffer. I don’t even know what I want for the future. I know I’m still starting and it doesn’t matter, but I don’t know if I’ll ever figure it out. Everything I do, I lose interst in. I love art, but the second I mess up on a piece, I think it’s not for me. I love acting and voice acting, but I don’t know if that is what I can do. I’m not science-oriented, I hate maths and social studies. I’m decent with computers, but I wouldn’t know because most computer majors require the hardest math classes. My parents keep telling me to do a major that’ll get me money, but I couldn’t care less about money! I just want to be happy for once! I get so mad when people tell me to go into art because I’m “good” at it. I’m absolutely SICK of people telling me that I’m good at something. Dad keeps saying I’m “good at math” and everyone tells me “You should pursue art. You’re good at it!” IF I WAS GOOD AT THESE THINGS, THEY WOULDN’T MAKE ME CRY EVERY TIME I MESSED UP! If I was good at math, I wouldn’t be failing. If I was good at art, I wouldn’t need to look up pose references or how-to-draw videos. If I was good at anything, I would be able to do it on my own! It’s not like I can expand my horizons and try new things. I can’t afford anything. I have no job, and yet, I’m helping my parents pay rent. I just want to be happy. I can’t even find happiness through people. Every time there’s a guy who tries to get close, I play. I’ll admit it. I’m a bitch, and I play with people’s emotions, and I feel nothing. I’m trying to find that one person who can stop this, but I haven’t felt real emotions towards someone for a very long time. I have trust issues, commitment issues, jealousy problems, and I’m truly just a mess. I haven’t found any way to stop myself from being this way. I’m a follower, and yet, I’ll revolt in a blink of an eye.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. All I know is that I’m empty inside, I’m pathetic. I want to drop out, but I don’t want to hurt myself. If I drop out, I’ll get beat. If I even say “I don’t like school”, they act as if I killed someone. I just want everything to end, but I can’t kill myself because I’ll be putting my burdens on my parents and brother. I’m trying to stay strong, I really am, but a lot of times, I can’t stop from thinking shitty thoughts about myself. I’ve tried drowning thoughts out with music, but it’s come to the point where music doesn’t help anymore. I can sing the lyrics of a song and cry because I hear my thoughts saying bad things.

I just want to be happy. Right now, nothing makes me happy except wasting my life away lying in bed watching anime. 

Maybe Someday…

It’s weird. Wanting to say something, but you cant put it into words, so you decide to extend it into something more than it actually is. Then you stray from the topic and lead either onto what is bothering you or onto something pointless. However, sometimes, you just dont know why you’re doing something. It may seem as if your mind has no control over what happens, so any mistakes you make are not even visible to you as long as you said what you wanted. I guess I should stop straying and get on with it then, huh?
It’s funny, at least to me. I always say how much people annoy me, but really Im just jealous. I see couples happy, families together, people who are hurt finding comfort, and Im jealous because I dont have any of that. Now Im not saying I dont have a family, I do, but it feels like Im from a broken home. My older brother doesnt do shit and I get scolded for what he doesnt do. My mum is the most old fashioned person ever, saying that because Im a girl I cant do certain things. My dad verbally abuses me practically everyday. I cant go a day without hearing screaming. Sometimes I just want to cry, but I cant because I hate it. I hate being sad all of the time. I try so hard to be positive, but that’s hard to do when nothing goes right. Now, I might sound selfish when saying these things because atleast I have a family, a roof over my head, food to eat, but people dont understand that there’s more to being happy than all of that. To be happy, you need people who will always be there. Now, I have friends, great friends, but somehow I always manage to screw up and then my friends and I end up not talking for years or ever again. People dont understand how shitty I feel. I want to talk to someone because I know something is wrong with me, but everytime I bring it up to my parents they say “It’s just a phase, You’ll be okay in the morning.” And you know what, Im not okay. Im never okay. Ask me how Im doing, I say Im fine, but in reality Im not! Okay?! Im not fine, Im not happy, Im not okay. It’s just hard for me to talk about it with anyone because I dont know how to say it and I dont want to be a burden. I once had a friend who I could count on when I felt like this, and I loved him, I hate to say it because Im only 16, but I felt like I loved him, and it took me practically a year and a half to get over him. And I just wish someone who was that caring will come in my life and be truly honest and caring with me, and hopefully that time will not be like him and not be a liar or someone who wants another person to kill themself. I just want to find someone who will bring happiness back into my life. I just want to be happy again because honestly, I cant remember a time when I was ever happy. I was forced to grow up when I was just a primary school kid, and now look where that has gotten me. I cant speak in front of crowds or even record myself speaking, I have horrible grades, I cant do anything. I just want to be happy, but I guess that dream is more fantasy than reality…

I’m Sorry. I’m Trying My Best.

I’m trying so hard to be positive. For him, for everyone. Things just go downhill. I’m starting to have panic attacks more frequently. To be honest, they scare the absolute daylights out of me. I dont say anything because I know my parents won’t worry. They always think I’m overreacting. I have enough negativity in my house, so I try to be happier online, but as you can see due to previous posts, I can’t always keep it up. Everything feels like it’s going downhill. School is getting more stressful, my parents are becoming even more judgemental and favoring my brother over me, no one is hiring me, everything just is becoming so much harder to handle. I hate being like this, but I just can’t be happy anymore. I find hope in the dumbest things: guys who do drugs or are just bad people, video games depicting death as good, and more things. Now, I’d never do anything illegal or kill myself, I’m not sucidal, but if a car was coming at me quickly, I wouldn’t try to dodge the car. Like, I said, I hate being like this, all sad and negative, but right now, it’s all I have. The only thing that has actually made me smile for real and has made me feel all warm and full of life again, is talking with a person who I could never be with because of what he does plus he’s online, so that never worked in my favor before.
I don’t even know what this post is about. I’m just sorry that if I made a promise to you and I’m either late or didn’t keep it, please know, I’m so very sorry. I havent been myself lately and honestly, I dont even know who ‘myself’ even is anymore. My parents say I used to be happy all of the time, but when I look back, I only remember crying and getting hit or made fun of or yelled at. I dont know how someone who remembers only that can be happy. I can’t do it anymore, and I’m terrified about the future. I dont want to go to college, I dont want to die, I cant see anything positive anymore. All I think about it the sad, depressing parts that might come. Like, getting rejected by colleges, getting told I’m sick, realizing that I may never get married because of who I am, who or what dies, my death. I often have minor “visions” of either me drowning, getting hit by a car, getting in an accident. I want to know what is going on, but I dont know how. My parents wont take me to a professional. Hell, I dont even think they realize that something is wrong with me. I cant go a day without wanting to cry, and I cant go a day without thinking how I might die. I have more to say, but I dont want everyone to think I’m crazy.

What is the answer to life?

It’s kinda hard to type this. Especially since I feel physically sick when thinking about it, but I’ll try my best.

Death.

The answer to the ultimate question of life is 42. Four in Japanese is “shi” (Sino-Japanese reading) and two is “ni”. Together they make “shini” the first part of the word “shinigami” which means death-god. The answer to life is death.

I feel like there’s a point in everyone’s life when they finally realize everything must come to an end. Those people who try so hard to make “immortality” pills are stuck in the fantasy that nothing ends. Everything has an end. Every life is a book, and all books have endings. Sadly, after two of my first guinea pigs passed away, I’ve gone into paranoia with my other three. I’m terrified. I dont want anyone to leave. I hate goodbyes. I know it’s screwed up to think that way, but when you realize that nothing can last forever, you start to think. Thinking becomes over thinking and then becomes paranoia. I don’t want to say goodbye. And I know I might seem like a bad person when I cry more over my pets than I do over people, but you have to know that people arent there for me like my pets are. To me they’re not pets, they’re companions. I can always count on them to make me smile or comfort me, where as people, People have hurt me more than animals have. People lie and pretend they care. People use you to get to others. Now I’m not saying that I dont like people. I have met the greatest people online, but a lot of them don’t know who I am. Not famous people, just people. Now there are some of those people who acknowledge me if I interact with them, but Im no more than a simple follower. Then I have my online friends, though they are few in numbers, I care about them. But like I said. Things come to an end, whether, you get in fights, lose connections, drift apart. There are few that manage to stay forever, and I mean “till death do us part” forever.

I don’t really know where Im going with this honestly, but I’m just saying that I’m scared. I’m scared of the future. As one of those kids who was forced to give up being a child, I have no fears- except the future.

Who am I?

Every summer since 2010 I have made a new friend online, but one of those became something a little more. So this is who I am:
My name is Tiffany.
I’m 16 going on 17 on August 27, 2015.
My favorite bands/artists are: Skillet, Falling in Reverse, Avril Lavigne, and Area 11.
My favorite YouTubers include: The Yovscast, RPGMinx, OMGitsfirefoxx, iiJeriichoii, CaptainSparklez, Dan and Phil, and Aureylian.
My favorite tv shows are: Doctor Who, Supernatural, the Walking Dead, and Ghost Whisperer.
My hobbies are: Drawing, watching anime (Bleach, SAO, and No Game No Life), singing, and playing videogames.
I’m not very comfortable with my looks, so if I ever choose to have a facecam skype call with you, that means I really like you and/or trust you. I dont have a happy family, so Im not emotionally stable. It takes a long time for me to trust you. If we became friends or more than friends, I wouldnt trade you for the world. I would care about you.

My thoughts

Um… I dont know how to put this, so Im just going to say things.

I dont have feeligs for this guy, and I honestly know that I DO NOT have any romantic feelings towards him, but every time he doesnt talk to me, I get all sad and lonely. I dont understand… I wish I wasnt like this.
When it comes to online friendships, I want to talk to no end even during school I would love to text them. But if it’s an irl person, I cant manage the courage to speak. Also whenever Im about to send a text I have a mini anxiety attack. Oh, I wish I wasnt like this. When I was little, I used to be so outgoing and always talked to my friends or schoolmates I didnt really know, but now, I cant even talk to my class mates without almost panicking. I dont know what point in my life made me become this. I dont like it. I HATE IT. It keeps me from makig friends, doing work, helping people. I just want to be outgoing again. I used to love how I looked, but after years society has told me otherwise. I dont listen to what society thinks, but sometimes it just gets to me…

Dear Me

Hey,

I know our ages aren’t far apart, but I have learned a lot in a few years. You need to understand that things happen for a reason. Death will come and take someone you love, but dont let that hold you back. Their memories will always be with you. Though I have a hard time now doing it, you have to remember that you are perfect the way you are. Sometimes people will tell you mean things like to go kill yourself. Dont listen to them. You need to remember you belong here, and there is someone who cares. In years to come, people will tell you to end your life, and you have tried to at times, so tell them that Death didn’t need you yet and Heaven didn’t have a place ready for you yet. This is your life. It’s a line. You have only completed one tiny tiny portion of it, you have so much to look forward to. Maybe you’ll get married and have a family. I don’t know yet, Im still waiting myself. Remember people come and go. Dont lock them out. You’ll make some fantastic friends online and in real life. There will be more people who come into your life, you just have to let them. Also, you dont have to try and be the perfect girl society wants because YOU are unique in your own way. Dont let people bring you down. You’ll always have your sketchbook and tens of notebooks waiting for the stories you will tell.

Keep on keeping on.
From,
Me

Swear To Be

Hey…
Youre the only one I can tell this to.
I dont know who reads this, but I do know, someone eventually will.

So, you see. Im only 16. I hate my life, but I keep going. I know some people care, but I feel like those with whom I live with, they dont. But maybe you will, so here goes nothing.

I need help. I know something is wrong with me. Whether it be stress, anxiety, depression, schizophrenia piling up on one another in my head, or Im just worthless.
I get told by my parents: “lose weight”, “be pretty”, “be like her”, “have friends”. Im told these things everyday. I try to tell them that if I try to talk to people I panic. I tell them I hate my life. I tell them that I cant stand being alone in a dark house. But they just brush me off. Its like they dont care. On top of that they yell at me when I do nothing wrong. Its like Im the first person that comes to mind when theyre mad. And that makes me wonder, is it my fault? Am I the reason why? Am I the reason why they suffer and are mad?

Update. 19:03pm. Started this about 30minutes ago, and stopped because my arms are burning. Further explaination:
Just now my dad started yelling and swearing. Then he threatened to kill my guinea pigs. The only things that have kept me sane and happy he threated to kill, and when I heard that I immediately got up and yelled “What did you say”. He said it again, and I just got so pissed that when I turned around… I almost broke my promise to everyone.
I ran and grabbed a pair of scissors. They were the first things I saw, and I grabbed them. But then I stopped. I stopped, gripping them tightly and tried to press them against my skin. But I couldnt do it.
I yelled at myself “Just do it! Why wont you do it?!” I tried, but I couldnt. Half of me wanted to just slice my neck, my arms, my thighs, but the other half said no.
I couldnt do it.
So I went to take a shower, which is why my arms are burning. I put it at the hottest level, and I just started clawing at my arms. I was even tempted to chug bleach. And I was praying that I was sleeping, I was praying for it to be a nightmare, but I guess Im awake.

Now I cant even smile. I try and all I want to do is cry.

I Promise I’ll Try to Keep Trying

I have no one in my life that I can talk to about this, so I rely on you, the reader, to be my friend in this situation. Now it’s kinda hard to type what I really want to say without hitting the delete key and erasing every word, so this may or may not go up. If you are reading this then well at least one person had to have read this. So here goes nothing:

I just want one day, one simple day with no yelling, no crying, and no want to kill myself. That day hasn’t returned in over a year. Sucks not being able to talk to people. I’d either get made fun of or push aside. I dont want to do anything anymore. I fall asleep crying, I wake up with my first thought being “Why cant I be dead?” And honestly I have no idea how Im surviving. Well I have a hint, you see, I’ve made so many great friends online, but I do need some friends who are right next to be that will always be here. Sadly, Im no good with friends. I tend to push them away. Everyone close to me, I pushed away. MY best friend of eleven years, now ignores me. The one guy that like me for who I really was, now hates my guts probably. My two closest friends I’ve had at my old school don’t remember my existence. My family hates me. MY family makes fun of me, judges me. They wonder why Im so caught up in video games, esports, music, movies. I’m so addicted to these things because they’re my escape from all the pain. I could so easily be addicted to other things, but no, my mind is set on fandoms, gaming, and writing. I hate my life. I hate the school I go to. I hate every single aspect of myself, but gaming? I’d sell my soul to pursue gaming. Making them, voicing in them, and just playing them. It’s what I love doing, but everyone in my life seems to disagree with what I want to do. Even though it’s my choice, I don’t get to choose.
Really choices don’t exist. I don’t choose to have panic attacks everyday, I don’t choose to hear voices telling me Im stupid or should die, I don’t choose to cry at random times, and I don’t choose to live, no I promised to live. I promised everyone that I’ll live. And it’s really hard to keep going when everyone is telling you “you’re worthless, you need to stop doing this and that, you’re ugly, you’re stupid’ you’re not special, you should just die.” Well you know what? Has it every occurred to those people who told me this, or to anyone who has told someone else these things that maybe we know this. That these thoughts echo in our minds daily, 24/7, and to some people the only way to stop the thoughts, is to cover it up with their screaming and crying. Have I cut myself? No, but have I thought about it or wanted to? Yes, but not for attention. I wanted to because I wanted to see if I was awake. I prayed that it was all just a dream, but it wouldn’t be. And hell, I’ve even thought about hanging myself. I was twelve when it all started. And that is really fucked up. A twelve year old looking up on how to tie a noose. I promised so many people that I would stay living, but it’s hard when everyone in your life pushes you off the edge.

I’m trying so hard, and I promise that I’ll keep trying, but I don’t know how much longer I can until I fall off the edge.

The two songs that I’ve been listening to that have helped me stay strong are by Emma Blackery: “The Promise” and “Perfect”.

Now I’m gonna go before I cry harder.

Who Am I

I’m the type of girl that you can’t picture wearing make up. The type of person that people assume the worst of. I am the person that tells themself to die once they wake up and cry themself to sleep. I don’t hate life, no, I hate the people that ruined it. All of those who assumed I would become a killer, a drug addict, or an alcoholic, when I grow up; they are the reason why I hate my life. Well you know what, I can’t picture myself killing. I don’t do drugs or drink, but sometimes I feel like I need them to escape.
All of the people who try to guilt me into doing things, for instance be a vegetarian, it’s not working, and I think it’s pretty fucking shallow for you to do that. I have nothing against vegans or vegetarians, but if you keep judging my life style you can leave.
All of the people who assumed things about me like “oh, don’t do that or she’ll kill you”, you can get out of my life for good. Because you are the people that make my life miserable, make people be distant from me, and just ruin my life.
Now, Im not pretty, hell, I honestly try not to look in a mirror because I dont recognize myself, so yeah, I think Im ugly. And that’s why people make fun of me. Fucking shallow ass hats… I have had a crush on some guys in my school and online, and my worst fear is telling them because Im afraid they’ll say no because Im ugly. That’s why I dont take selfies. Im afraid of being made fun of. Im terrified for that matter.
Online I can be me, but not really me. I want to tell someone that I kinda like them, but we never really talked before. He lives in another country, which makes it worse. I want to start talking to him, but Im afraid of rejection.

Also, some people are suprised at what I write and tell me “Oh, you act like this tough girl, but youre actually very emotional.” I dont say anything, but in my head this is what I say:
No fucking shit Sherlock. Im a human, I have feelings. I cry, I laugh. And I dont try to act tough. I am the last person you want judge like that. I am not tough, Im quiet, Im shy, Im emotional, and I am scared.